How to Let Go of Divorce Pain in 4 steps

Are struggling to let go of divorce pain, but seem to be stuck in your own head?

Then I have a question for you….

Have you ever seen The Matrix? 

I’ve heard the new one that just came out is trash, but I’m talking about the awesome ones from like 2003 where smokin’ hot Keanu Reeves was dodging bullets and soon discovered that all of humanity is operating in a simulated reality. 

Those movies may just be special effects and a great escape for two hours, but here’s what you need to know. 

You’re living in The Matrix. 

You’re living in a simulated reality that tells you that you should feel ashamed and guilty and bad for being a divorced woman of a certain age. 

But there’s the thing….

This false reality is not governed by some evil overlord. 

It’s governed by the toxic and outdated narratives that you’re operating on. 

Keanu Reeves ain’t coming to save you. 

You’re your own superhero who’s going to break you out of this prison. 

And I’m going to show you how. 

Let Go of Divorce Pain Step Number 1: Write down the excuses you’ve been telling yourself after divorce. Be brutally honest. 

When it comes to getting unstuck after your divorce, you are usually the biggest obstacle. 

You’re in your own damn way. 

Whenever you think of dreaming big, of planning the post-divorce life of your dreams, and starting over, the excuses you use to not make any changes are what is screwing you over. 

You may give yourself a reason for not making a change after your divorce. 

To stay in the old patterns as a way of staying safe. 

But guess what?

Those justifications you’re using for not taking a chance on yourself are the toxic narratives that are keeping you stuck, in the post-divorce holding pattern that is slowly draining you, causing you to panic that you’ll always be unhappy. 

I work with women just like you on a daily basis—they are divorced, over 50, smart, successful, but feel stuck. Unable to let go of their divorce pain. And these are the most common excuses they use that are keeping them stuck. 

I’m too old. 

It’s too late for me. 

This would have been easier if I had divorced 10 years ago. 

I’ve made so many mistakes—-I don’t deserve a second chance.

Sound familiar? 

You’re not alone in the excuses you use to stay where you are. 

But guess what? 

These excuses are just toxic narratives keeping you down. 

But if you’re still clinging to them, go to the next step. 

Step Number 2: After each excuse, ask yourself if it’s serving you RIGHT NOW. 

Spoiler alert—each one of those excuses you listed no longer serve you. 

They may have helped protect you in the past. 

Sure, those excuses may have helped get you through the darkest days of your divorce. 

But if they were still serving you, you would not feel stuck.

You would not feel frustrated, wondering if you’re ever going to start the next chapter in your life. 

So be honest here. 

Is saying you’re too old to change really serving you? 


Is saying that “it’s too late for you” really serving you? 

I don’t think so. It’s actually giving you a scarcity mindset that is robbing you of the chance to move on. 

Is punishing yourself by saying you don’t need a second chance going to create space so you can actually give yourself a second chance going to help? 

Hell no. 

Think of those excuses as that wool skirt you had hanging in the back of your closet. It made your skin itch and it never fit right, so one day in frustration you put in in the donation bag, took it to Goodwill, and felt a huge weight off your shoulders. 

The “I’m too old” or “it’s too late for me” is that awful wool skirt. You don’t need it. You never did. And it’s time to get rid of it. 

Let Go of Divorce Pain Step Number 3: If you’re resistant to challenging that excuse, get curious. 

Are you digging your heels in? 

Do you find yourself saying, “No no no Martha—you don’t understand! It really IS too late for me! I’m almost 60! I’m not a kid anymore!”

If you’re trying to justify why you’re clinging to a narrative that no longer serves you, ask yourself why. 

So why are you telling yourself that it’s too late? 

Why do you keep saying that you’re just too old?

How do you know that it would have been easier had the divorce happened 10 years ago? 

What is the exact reason that you want to hold onto this belief that no longer serves you? 

Whenever I work with my clients, we find that the reason they hold on to excuses that don’t serve them is because they’re scared. 

They’re scared to make changes. 

Afraid to shake the status quo. 

Because at least when you’re unhappy, at least you’re comfortable. You know what’s coming. 

While it’s okay to be scared, it’s NOT OKAY to cling to self-limiting and toxic beliefs that no longer serve you. 

If you’re feeling scared of change, I think of the following instead. 

What is this belief *really* costing me?

How is taking a chance on myself more beneficial?

You don’t have to hold on to these damaging beliefs just because they are what you’ve known for years. 

Consider this your permission to change your beliefs. They should change. 

Remember when doctors thought smoking cured asthma? 

Or that whole old-timey “blood-letting” thing when people were sick? 

The point is that beliefs can—and should–change.

Your belief system is no different. 

Staying stuck in the same beliefs you had as a child, as a young adult, and as a married woman is going to keep you from moving the hell on after a divorce. 

So start questioning those beliefs and why you’re resistant to changing them, but then f*cking change them, sister. 

Let Go of Divorce Pain Step Number 4: Give that shit narrative a replacement. 

It’s really hard to tear down the conditioning you’ve lived with for years if you don’t have something better to replace it with. 

But creating a new narrative for yourself right now—post divorce—is what will actually help you and serve you in this next chapter of your life. 

If consciously creating new narratives is overwhelming, try this:

Take the narrative/excuse you’ve been telling yourself. 

Then, identify the opposite of that excuse. 

Start reflecting on that shit and how you can now incorporate it into your own life. 

Here’s an example: 

Old Toxic Narrative: I’m too old to start over. 

New Healthy Narrative: I’m not too old. I have a lifetime of experience and knowledge built up over the years that I can use to create the post-divorce life of my dreams. 

Old Toxic Narrative: It’s too late for me. 

New Healthy Narrative: It’s never too late for me. That’s a scarcity mindset that doesn’t serve me. RIGHT NOW is the perfect time to start this new chapter of my life.

The lies we tell ourselves to keep us stuck are sabotaging us….especially when we try to let go of divorce pain.

The things society has told you, your own self-doubt has told you, or even what your trash ex-husband told you have nothing to do with you. 

Don’t believe the toxic shit. 

Question if those narratives of “I’m too old” or “it’s too late to start over” or any other BS is even freakin’ true. 

But it’s not. 

And you deserve the chance to challenge and tear down those excuses that are no longer serving you. 

And you have the responsibility to create narratives that will help you heal faster and create the post-divorce life of your dream. 

This is your sacred duty. 

You owe it to yourself to let go of your divorce pain.

What will you do today to change those narratives that are keeping you stuck? 

Write in the comments below!