Divorce. You may have had big, fearless plans for yourself after divorce.
But here you are now. Still in the same old job. Stuck in the same routine.
You’ve plateaued. Lost momentum.
Is it ever going to be different for you? Are you ever going to follow your heart and do those bold and scary things that you dreamed about as a kid? Before society and peer pressure silenced you? Before those toxic narratives that have keep you silent and self-conscious for years completely consume you?
What if there was a way to *finally* feel fearless, regardless of what the future throws at you?
If you still feel stuck, longing for the confidence to make some big changes in your post-divorce life, keep reading!
These three simple tips will get you feeling fearless and ready to take on the world after divorce, no matter how much you aren’t trusting yourself right now.
Fearless After Divorce Step #1: Reflect on, what is the BEST thing that will happen when I do this?
Ever notice how when you think about doing something new and bold after divorce, something stops you?
Instead of the voice saying, “Hell yeah! Just do it!” we instead receive “the NO NO NO. It’s too risky. Or expensive. Or ridiculous.”
The moment you start thinking about taking bold action, that inner voice–whether it’s your own insecurity, the sound of your ex-husband, or even your annoyingly practical Midwestern rural family–gets louder and louder:
Are you out of your mind?
What if you get mugged?
Will you get kidnapped?
Did you think you could end up homeless on a park bench like that bird lady who Mary Poppins sang about in the Disney movie from the 1960s?
It’s soooooo annoying when your inner voice shoots down your fearless idea, trying to scare you off with Worst Case Scenarios.
Expect for this to happen A LOT when you take bold action after divorce.
But instead of giving in to the catastrophizing, replace it with the “Best Case Scenario” mindset.
Replace “What’s the worst thing that could happen?” with “What’s the best thing that can happen?”
I got a lot of shit after divorce when I quit my stressful male-dominated job in defense to go travel through Asia and Russia for four months.
It also came from older male supervisors who were “concerned for my safety” because they “reminded me of their daughters.”
And it also came from my elderly parents in the Midwest who “didn’t want me to be in financial trouble.”
And I got it from friends who were scared I would end up dead in a Cambodian jungle.
For the record, I didn’t end up dead in a Cambodian jungle. But I did get dysentery in Vietnam that had me sitting on a toilet for a week in Saigon.
When you get pushback from those around you who you think care about you, remember this one thing:
Don’t give in to the insecurities and anxieties that other people are projecting onto you.
Don’t let the past narratives that “you don’t deserve it” cloud your dreams today.
Focus instead on all the cool and amazing shit that is going to come your way by taking the bold action.
Martha Bodyfelt
If your disillusioned friend is warning you about dating again because she didn’t have a good experience, shift your focus instead to how fun it will be to meet new people.
If your family members are telling you that “you can’t just up and quit your job this close to retirement,” shift your focus instead on your financial picture and how you can make it work. Then focus on how joyful it will feel to shut that work laptop down for the last time.
Remember–if you continue to think of only bad shit that will happen, you’ll never move on after divorce.
Because that bad shit is just the past narratives—the same ones telling you that you don’t deserve to be happy or that you should feel guilty or you should care what people think.
And if you let those narratives win again, you’ll continue to feel stuck.
Fearless After Divorce Step #2: Take one tiny step to your goal TODAY.
Have you ever had a dream that you never did anything about?
It may be losing 20 pounds to better manage your arthritis. (I deal with this for years after I left the Army after a spinal injury).
Or finally getting the courage to call your sister out on her passive aggressive comments about how you wear your hair and makeup.
The dream could also be quitting your job and travelling for a few months through Italy–something you’ve dreamed about but never had the chance to when you were married with kids at home.
These lofty dreams stay unreachable because we get too overwhelmed when it comes to starting them.
But when you break those dreams down and start with the simplest step, then setting a deadline to get that step done, momentum starts going.
What is the absolute first step to be fearless after divorce—-no matter how small–for you to take today?
If your fearless goal is to quit your job in two years to go paint the hell out of some wild flowers in New Mexico, plan the first small step you can take to get to that dream.
That could be just Googling “the best place to live as an artist in New Mexico” and reading about it for 30 minutes instead of looking at Facebook
If your fearless goal is to start playing piano again, Google “piano teachers for adult learners” after you read this blog post.
Then repeat another small step tomorrow.
And the day after.
Followed by every single day for the rest of the week.
Repeat for an entire month.
Small fearless changes after divorce don’t happen in a day.
They will happen, however, if you are consistent. And have the dogged determination to actually live your life the way you love.
And if you have that voice in your head saying, “This is too complicated. Why rock the boat?” ignore it. That voice is the sound of a toxic narrative from your past that is telling you that you’re not worthy of awesome shit. But you are.
Martha Bodyfelt
Fearless After Divorce Step #3 Find someone to hold you accountable.
It’s hard to break out of the habits that keep you stuck after divorce.
I would know. After my divorce, I was in this purgatory of being miserable, but not really doing anything about it.
I was miserable, but at least I was comfortable.
I hear that a lot with clients I work with–divorced women who want more from their lives, but are hesitant to make changes.
You’re not weak or lazy if you can’t make these small steps by yourself. Being fearless and taking bold actions after divorce is intimidating as hell.
That doesn’t mean you give up.
What it *does* mean is that you ask for help.
Having someone hold you accountable as you become fearless after divorce will keep you from losing your momentum. A good accountability partner can motivate you, call you out on your BS, and help you get those fearless goals you’ve been dreaming of.
But choose your accountability person wisely.
It should be someone who wants you to do awesome things. Not someone who will try to convince you to “be sensible.”
Save “being sensible” for getting your yearly mammogram. Not for living fearlessly.
Nor should it be someone who isn’t going to challenge you.
In order to get out of your comfort zone and do the things that your heart aches for, you’ll need someone who’ll hold you to the promises you make.
So, get the trainer.
Hire the coach.
Or reach out to that straight-shooter friend.
Because you deserve to live fearlessly even when you don’t think you’re capable.
You are.
Now, it’s time to take that step.
You got this.
Now it’s your turn!
What’s keeping you from being fearless after divorce?
Leave a comment here below!
