3 reasons you’re struggling to move on, and 3 ways to get unstuck after divorce
In your journey to heal after your divorce, there are three things sabotaging your efforts.
You’re not even conscious of it.
But these three mindsets regularly throw a wrench in the plans of most women who are desperate to raise their self-esteem, strengthen their self-worth, and no longer depend on other people or things to make them feel better.
Today, we’re getting clarity on the 3 things you’re telling yourself that are keeping you from healing. And then we’re going to shift that shitty thinking into the healthy loving things you freakin’ deserve.
Let’s get to it!
Crappy Mindset #1: I just don’t think I’m worth it. That’s why I’m struggling to move on after divorce.
It’s heart-breaking as hell when I hear incredible divorced women say this.
They don’t think about how hard they work or what an incredible friend or mom or aunt or co-worker they are.
Nor do they think about how much good they’ve done in the world.
Instead, divorced women tend to put their self-worth on what society, or their ex-husband said to them.
Are you a divorced woman who thinks you’re not worth it, just because your ex cheated on you? Or because your ex was manipulative or abusive?
Do you think you’re incapable of healing just because you’re over 50, you have a few more wrinkles than before, and your boobs are sagging?
NEWSFLASH: NOTHING OR NOBODY DETERMINES YOUR WORTH BUT YOU.
You dictate your worth, regardless of what happened to you.
But if you continue to think that you’re not worth the hard internal work and investment in yourself, you’ll continue to sabotage your healing.
We tell ourselves we’re not worth it in so many ways, which, as a divorce coach, makes me mad as hell.
When we head straight to the clearance rack instead of going for the newly arrived gorgeous sweater, we are saying we’re not worth the investment.
Every time we stay on the work laptop 30 minutes longer, instead of closing it and enjoying the evening, we are saying we’re not worthy of the time to recharge.
If we let our family come by unannounced when we really had errands to run, we are telling ourselves that our time is not valuable.
But let me tell you something if you’re struggling to move on after divorce.
You are worth it.
And worthy.
Also, you deserve to invest in yourself.
To focus on yourself.
Healthy Mindset: I am worth the time and investment of healing.Even if I am struggling to move on after divorce. A fresh start is what I receive. And deserve the chance to overcome my divorce pain. I am worthy of moving on.
Crappy Mindset #2: I don’t want to be a “Karen.
First off, the whole “Karen” thing was a ploy to continue to keep women silent. So f*ck that. Especially if you’re struggling to move on after divorce.
Is it annoying when some lady with a bad haircut is all “I want to speak to your manager!” at Kohl’s and Appleby’s? Yes.
Does she deserve a reality check? Yes.
But the problem is, we are equating standing up for ourselves after divorce as being a “Karen.”
Society and the toxic parts of social media are telling us that any woman of a certain age who voices her discontent is just an entitled Karen.
This is why we as women become self-conscious. We internalize that asking for better, and demanding respect makes us that annoying lady at Kohl’s who wants to use an expired coupon.
But you’re not a Karen.
You deserve to call out gaslighting, double standards, ageism, and sexism.
You have the right to finally tell yourself (and the world!) that you are worth it, and that you won’t be silenced and shamed just because you’re divorced and older.
For years, society has minimized women’s voices.
It started when you were little, when your mom and your teachers said you “talked too much” or were “a little Miss Bossy Pants.”
It continued when you were married, when you were made to feel like your thoughts and wants didn’t matter. And it was expected of you to just put your children and husband first.
Otherwise, you were a selfish b*tch.
So, isn’t it interesting that just as you’re beginning to find your voice, this whole “Karen” bullshit happens?
Do not sabotage your healing by worrying about what other people think about you. Especially when you’re struggling to move on after divorce.
Healing Mindset: My complaints and concerns matter. I do not have to stay silent and bottle everything in. What others think of me doesn’t matter.
I matter.
Because I am a woman of my own agency.
Who has the right and responsibility to let go of what no longer serves me.
Crappy Mindset #3: It’s too late for me. That’s why I’m struggling to move on after divorce.
“If only I were 20 years younger.”
“I’m going to be 60 next year.”
“I’m just too tired and don’t have the energy….”
Sound familiar?
Let me ask you something.
When it comes to healing after divorce, what choices do you really have?
Divorced women—whether they are the ones who shy away from investing themselves and choose not to do divorce coaching, or even clients of mine who feel frustrated that “It’s taking too long,” have a tendency to feel frustrated that they’re not “healing fast enough.”
Many divorced women whose marriages have ended in their 50s, 60s, and beyond, think that because they’re at midlife, that means it’s impossible for them to start over.
They have absorbed the toxic patriarchal ageist messaging that certain white men in power have perpetuated for years.
But it is not true.
The perfect time for you to heal is now.
The perfect time for you to start over is now.
You’re never too old.
You’re *exactly* the right age to transform your life after divorce.
So the next time you feel frustrated with your healing, and use the excuse that it’s too late for you, or that you’re “too old” to move on, or when you tell yourself that “this would have been so much easier if I had gotten divorced in my 40s, let me gently remind you of the following.
It’s not too late for you. As long as you have the right mindset, you will heal at any age. I’ve worked with women in their 80s who are excited for the new chapter in their life. And I’ve worked with 38-year-olds who just want to stay under the covers and never enter the world again. Age is just a number. And if you use it as an excuse to not do the work to move on, you are doing yourself a great disservice.
Healing Mindset: It’s never too late for me. I deserve a fresh start. And deserve to invest in myself. A divorce transformation is for me. And I deserve to let go of the hidden narratives keeping me stuck. Because I deserve better than to be struggling to move on after divorce.
I am worthy.
And enough.
The time to break out of your divorce pain and blast through the unhealthy patterns keeping you stuck starts NOW.
What steps will you take to believe in yourself? And to truly know that you are worthy and enough, and deserve to let go of your divorce pain and inertia?
Reply back to this email and let me know!
And make sure to check your email next week. I have a holiday offer that you deserve to gift yourself.
Believing in you!
XO,
Martha
