Confident after divorce: How I got Big D*ck Energy

When it comes to getting confident after divorce, there’s a phrase that’s been going around the interwebz that I’m obsessed with. 

Big D*ck Energy. 

Call it what you want.  Whether it’s BDE, Battle Goddess Energy, Wonder Woman Energy, it’s that extreme confidence and sense of self-worth that lets you uproot the toxic narratives that keep you stuck and miserable. The kind that lets you rebuild your self-esteem after divorce.

Big D*ck Energy lets you love yourself. 

Your mindframe changes. You don’t care about your age anymore. Or if you have too many wrinkles, or “past your prime.” 

This energy empowers you to say “BULLSHIT!” to that toxic conditioning that has made you feel ashamed and guilty. 

It’s what lets you *finally* live your life on your own terms. Despite being divorced. And over 50. Your self-esteem after divorce returns.

If you’re curious about what happened when I got BDE after my own divorce, head over to the blog and check it out. 

So here’s what happened. 

Confident After Divorce: I stopped giving a shit about what other people thought about me. 

This freakin’ society always has women second-guessing themselves. Especially after divorce, when their self-esteem is in the dumps.

Remember when you were a confident little girl without a care in the world? 

That is, until you did something and some older person–maybe even somebody you cared about deeply such as your mother or auntie or first-grade teacher–said something that was a blow to your self-esteem

“That’s not what young ladies do.” 

“That’s not very lady-like.” 

When you heard that, maybe you became self-conscious, starting to question yourself. 

Shit, I know I did. As a little kid, I just wanted to play astronauts and read about dinosaurs and tell fart jokes with my siblings. 

When I was six, this one bitchy nun at my Catholic Sunday school said that “I wasn’t acting like a good girl.” That was the moment I became self-conscious. 

And you know what? I carried that burden well into my 30s, when I got divorced. 

But one day I just snapped. 

I had been doing everything society, my family, and my husband had told me to do but I still felt like shit. 

People wanted me to act a certain way because it was what made them comfortable, but at the expense of my own mental health, self-esteem, and self worth. 

The day I just said, “fuck this,” I was at my job as a defense contractor at a US government defense agency that was rampant with sexism and toxicity.

I was in a “counseling session” with my boss–a crusty misogynistic guy named Steve in his 60s. He was trying to tell me that my confronting a sleazy manager who was breaking the law was something that “the older men should do, not the younger ladies.” 

My boss may have meant well. Maybe he was trying to protected me. Or perhaps he didn’t know any better. 

But you know what happened? 

I stood up from the desk and said, 

“Fuck this. I’m not dealing with this anymore.” 

I gave my two-week notice. My self-esteem and confidence soared.

My boss and coworkers thought I was out of my mind, convinced I’d ruin my career and lose my security clearance. 

The parents thought I was crazy. My mom was terrified, wondering what she’d tell her sisters when they asked what I was up to. 

Friends said they supported me, but I could tell they had their reservations. 

But at that point, I didn’t give a shit

Divorce freed me from caring about the opinions of my husband and my in-laws. 

Luckily, that freedom from giving a shit about the opinions of others slowly started to creep into other areas of my life.

I no longer cared about what guys on dates thought about me.

No more f*cks given. Even when my family thought I was “lost and struggling.”

Or when my friends thought I was “just going through a phase.

You see, when you harness that Big D*ck Energy, you ground yourself in what you want.

Not what others think is best for you. 

Leading with what you want is intimidating at first, especially since we’re conditioned as women to always think of others instead. 

However, the moment you quit caring about other people’s opinions of you, the door opens to a whole new world where *you* get to decide what you want. Which opened my eyes to the next thing I discovered after getting that BDE. 

Confident after divorce: I realized that I was responsible for my own happiness. 

Nobody was going to make me feel great about myself. 

No other person was going to raise my self-esteem. 

Not a single soul was going to save me. 

And if I wanted to get out of my divorce rut and live a fearless life that could be better than anything I ever imagined, I soon found out that it was up to me to do that. 

It was not the responsibility of the next boyfriend.

Or my friends. 

Nor the people at work. 

When I started to actually feel confident in myself and value myself, the strangest thing happened. I started to actually put myself first and pursue the things that I was passionate about—the things that gave me purpose. 

When the passion returned, the most elusive feeling of all reappeared.

The one that was MIA since I was little.

When you get confident after divorce, you get the feeling of being happy. 

This happiness was something I could create for myself—something that I didn’t have to rely on anybody else to give me. 

It’s a glorious revelation…..and a glorious burden to realize that you’re the only one responsible for your happiness. But you know what that gives you? 

A sense of freedom you can’t get anywhere else. Which brings me to the final thing I finally got once I harnessed that Big D*ck Energy. 


Confident after divorce: For the first time in my life, I felt FREE.

We all have fears. 

Before divorce, my biggest fear was a failed marriage and the subsequent embarrassment to my family. And I’d be just another statistic. 

As a soldier in the US Army, my biggest fear was that I would get injured so badly that I would get kicked out of the Army and I would have nothing to fall back on. 

Shortly after my divorce, when I was working in the defense sector, I was terrified that the contract would dry up and I’d get laid off. I would have no support system, minimal savings, and no idea when I’d get another job. 

Ever had one of your biggest fears come to life? 

I’ve had three.

Did it suck? Yes. 

Were there weeks and months that I would sit on the couch, my hands in my head at 3:00 in the morning, unable to sleep and in a deep depression, blaming myself for all the bad luck? 


But guess what happens when your worst fears are realized? 

You get confident after divorce.

You become fearless. 

And with that fearlessness comes freedom. 

Freedom because you know that when the Worst Case Scenario in your life happens, you survive it. 

You come out on the other side stronger. More resilient. And you know that whatever life throws at you afterwards, you’ll f*cking get through it. 

That’s the knowledge that makes you free. It takes away those chains that fear and anxiety put on you.

It’s that fear and anxiety that keep you stuck at a job you don’t like, dealing with toxic bosses and shitty work culture. The same fear that keeps you stuck in a relationship with someone, because you’re terrified of being alone. 

The fear that keeps you a prisoner to society’s expectations of what a “good girl” and “good woman” should be, even when those standards are like a boot on your neck. 

But when all that shit hits the fan and you live through it and come out at the other end? 

Confident after divorce: Nobody can hold you down. People can hit you with their best shot (cue the Pet Benatar music), but you’ll be bullet-proof. 

That’s what harnessing your confidence will give you. 

I know you’re at a point in your life where you feel like the best is behind you and you’re afraid of the future. 

Afraid of being alone. Or broke. Or invisible. 

I was in your shoes too, and I know it doesn’t have to be like that. 

But the only way to change that course of your life is to harness that Battle Goddess Big D*ck Energy, put yourself first, and step into this next part of your life like the incredible bad-ass you are. 

You’ll be amazed at what you’ll accomplish. 

Do you struggle with confidence and lack of Big D*ck Energy after divorce? Write a comment below!