Trying to boost self-confidence after divorce but struggling?
After divorce, your confidence and self-esteem may be in the gutter.
You may consider yourself a failure, wondering what the hell is wrong with you that you “couldn’t keep a marriage together.”
When trying to boost your self confidence after divorce, you may judge yourself, constantly doing that revisionist history bullshit when you lie awake at night, unable to sleep, with thoughts like this in your head…
“If only I had made love to him more often/lost weight/worn sexier clothing/not travelled so much for work/insert whatever unhelpful toxic lie you have told yourself here,” then maybe we’d still be married.”
And instead of these thoughts making you feel better, they pull you down deeper into despair–that endless pit that keeps you stuck in your own head and unable to move on.
That’s the reason you’re feeling like shit even if you’ve been divorced for a year. Or two years. Or even five.
But we’re not going to feel like shit anymore.
In today’s blog post, we are going to attack the 3 most common limiting beliefs that divorced women have that sabotage their confidence and self esteem. I’ve seen a lot of them when I work with my clients, but these three really stick out:
- I’ve made so many mistakes, why should I trust myself now?!
- How will I know I’m doing the right thing?
- What if it doesn’t go as planned and I feel heart-broken/rejected/stupid?
Do they sound familiar?
We as women are drowning in limiting beliefs–hidden negative patterns that we’re unconsciously operating from. It’s these limiting beliefs that keep us stuck, insecure, and full of self-doubt after divorce.
If you’re anything like I was after my own divorce, you may constantly doubt yourself, feeling defensive against the judgemental society that has women of a certain age feeling like we should just go live in a cave, only to die alone.
When coaching my clients to boost self-confidence after divorce—incredible smart professional women such as yourself–I’ve seen these three beliefs stop all of them.
But guess what?
When you want to boost self-confidence after divorce, you can totally uproot these beliefs with 3 easy mindset shifts that will get you feeling confident in no time.
So let’s dig in.
Limiting Belief #1: I’ve made so many mistakes, why should I trust myself now?!
“Mistake”is tricky. And it’s also unfair when it comes to boosting self-confidence after divorce. When you refer to something you have done as a mistake, what you’re doing is you’re judging your prior self–the one who was younger and less experienced–on what your current self knows.
Do you know how incredibly unfair that is?
Viewing your life in those terms is like giving a 7-year-old child an Advanced Calculus test and expecting them to pass it with flying colors. If that child fails the calculus test (and they will, unless they’re Doogie Houser), would you call them stupid?
Marthabodyfelt.com
Of course not.
That is the *same* point of reference you need to use when judging yourself for the “mistakes” you’ve made.
You were learning.
And growing.
And it is that EXACT growth that you can now use to be able to trust yourself.
So quit judging yourself on some bullshit unfair criteria.
It’s unfair to you and it’s going to sabotage your chance at getting confident and getting the post-divorce life of your dreams.
When you start thinking about the “mistakes” you’ve made, I want you to reflect on this mindset shift instead.
Boost Self-Confidence After Divorce Mindset Shift: My “mistakes” were learning experiences. Those learning experiences are the foundation for the wisdom and strength I now possess. I trust my wisdom. And my strength. They will lead me to better decisions now and in the future.
Limiting Belief #2: How will I know I’m doing the right thing?
There are only a few times in life that we know we’re doing the right thing. Those instances include:
- Not throwing a hair dryer into a full bathtub
- Wearing snow boots in the snow instead of flip-flops
- Drinking bottled water instead of 6 beers and 3 shots of tequila before the line-dancing party at your community college–the same party where your crush from the rodeo team was attending. (Billy, if you’re reading this, I hope you’re doing well that that those tight Wranglers you always wore didn’t affect your sperm count)
But for the most part, none of us know the future, and none of us can predict what the right or wrong thing is for us.
All we do know—and all you really should focus on–is the following:
Is the decision I am making right now something I feel good about?
Is this action I am taking right now one that I am making out of abundance and excitement?
Am I making this decision because I am a woman of my own agency?
marthabodyfelt.com
Not every decision you’re going to make in life is going to be as clear-cut. Do you really need to use those guidelines when you’re going to Kroger or Whole Foods, or my obsession, Trader Joe’s? Probably not.
But do you need to use those guidelines when it comes to standing up for yourself, creating boundaries, putting yourself first, and taking actions that get you unstuck?
Absofuckinglutely.
And if you’re still unsure about doing “the right thing,” here’s another mindset shift that can put the wind in your sails.
Boost Self-Confidence After Divorce Mindset Shift: I am wise. I am strong. I have earned my wisdom. And the things I have chosen to learn will serve as the GPS on my decisions. I will trust my gut—my instincts. I am a woman who is grounded in my ability to make the best decisions that serve me right now. That is how I know what is right.
Limiting Belief #3: What if it doesn’t go as planned and I feel heart-broken/rejected/stupid?
Spoiler alert!
Life NEVER goes as planned.
When I was 18, I thought that I’d be a Colonel in the US Army by now, doing some cool international NATO shit while also having romances with hot military guys around the world.
After my divorce, I thought that I was resigned to live alone for the rest of my life, unloved, unworthy, and without a chance at happiness.
Well, a career-ending Army injury, too many yeast infections from too many romances with those hot guys around the world, and an incredible post-divorce life where I fucking love what I do every day (working with women like you—yes you—the Battle Goddess reading these words right now), guess what?
Nothing went as planned.
Not a damn thing.
Did I feel rejected? Heart-broken? Stupid.
Yes.
Was there ever the temptation to just give and never take any risk again?
Of course. Sometimes that feeling went on for months. Years, even.
But that’s what separates the confident from the unsure: the ability to accept the risk that change may be painful, but goddammit you’re going to do it anyway because you know there’s a better future waiting for you when you do.
It’s the very dominant demarcation between divorced women who remain stuck, afraid, and frustrated that their lives won’t get any better and the divorced women who get clear on what’s holding them back, who do the work of overcoming the hidden beliefs that are keeping them stuck, and who courageously make the changes so they can become resilient, unafraid, and fearless.
So yes, when you want to get confident, you’re going to risk some shit.
But those risks should not stop you.
Those risks *will not* stop you.
And if you’re stuck with those beliefs that it will be too painful to get confidence, remember this guru -like goodness.
Boost Self-Confidence After Divorce Mindset Shift: When things don’t go as planned, I trust my strength and resilience to get back up and try again. Failure is not discomfort or disappointment. Failure is not getting back up and trying again. I am stronger than I can imagine. I will live to thrive, even when that road is bumpy along the way.
You can get that confidence after divorce.
Those limiting beliefs may exist, but you are strong enough and smart enough to kick them to the curb.
When you remind yourself of the wisdom you possess, of the strength you have demonstrated even during the darkest moments of your life, and of the examples of grace and perseverance you demonstrate, you are building that confidence.
You will get through this. You will boost your self-confidence after divorce.
And overcome those limiting beliefs that hold you back.
Only to emerge stronger, more confident, and more fulfilled than you can even imagine.
And if you are ready to kick all your post-divorce limiting beliefs to the curb, I can help!
Xo,
Martha
